When we have a loved one suffering with addiction or other mental health issue, it is easy to get caught up in their problems, bailing them out, cleaning up their messes, taking care of their responsibilities … the list goes on and on. Our problems, our health, our needs get put on the back burner as we deal with one crisis after another.
As families look at how to address their loved one, I always encourage them to start taking care of themselves. For some, that means changing boundaries — deciding what they can and cannot tolerate for themselves — or for others, it means taking care of basics — getting enough sleep, eating well, exercise, going to the doctor or dentist, working on other relationships.
Taking care of yourself accomplishes several things. First, think about when you are on a plane and the attendant leads you through what to do in case of loss of cabin pressure. If the oxygen masks come down, put on your oxygen mask first, then help children or anyone else that needs assistance. If you are not taking care of you, you may not have enough “oxygen” to be of any help to anyone else.
Second, when the family starts to shift, sometimes in small ways, it starts to signal that things are not the same. If Mom starts taking care of her needs and Son sees that he is no longer the focus of everything she does, then he may start taking some responsibility for what is his.
Finally, remember that there is more going on than that person suffering. There are others — children, friends, parents, employers — that need attention as well. We sometimes lose sight that the suffering person is not the center of everything. Getting a new perspective might be a healthy step towards “detaching with love.”
So take care of yourself … you are worth it regardless of what’s going on with your loved one.
